Shout out!!! Cinci Consravatories of Music

Sendin a special shout out to my peeps at CCM--I caught word dat dese peeps are doin dance routines to Bitch I Stole Yo' Purse in dey Jazz Class! DAT done make my heart to a triple garangaTAY...okay??
Sendin my love, Cincinatti!!!
(tune of WKRP theme)
If you, if you evah wondras
Wondras whatevra happent to Ho
She livin on da Streets of Cincinatti
Cincitatti Music ConservratorEE
I'M AT CCM dey college dat keepin it real fo Hoes like me!

LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

because I deserve the best in life.....

and SOME muthafuckas ain't realized this YET
AND CUZ
i can't quite afford a real Louis Vuitton, and my purse stealin days have been released
AND CUZ i have an entitlement issue larger than my ASS--and that's pretty BIG
AND CUZ if other peeps have more than I do--i ain'ts evolved enuff yets to be HAPPY FOR DEMS---

I like to make myself feel like a high class ho by getting away wit the followins PRIVILEDGES:

• I like to take shits in the big bafroom--you KNOW da mansion?? (bullits is ritzy fritzy!)

okay some people call it da handicapped bafroom, but really now--how many Christopher Reeve muthafuckas you see in yo' workplace?? I would gladly step aside if I DID see one--as I am a very compassionate ho. But I just have to say, when the clock strikes poop, I STRUT my ass ALL the way down to the last stall--pretendin its a catwalk the whole way down there--with each sway of my hips I say to my self "u worf it, gurl! u worf it gurl!!!" AND its a taller toilet, so you ain't got to do a full squat to get down on it. It is MY time...LUXURY!

• and fo' a real HUNGRY LADY SPERIENCE there's always SEAFOODIN

Seafoodins is when you out on a date with some broke ass muthafuck that you know you don't even LIKE, but you was bored and hongry so you said yes (you might fuck him later--that's when you REALLY BORED, or D-runk) anyways you hongry and that cheap bitch took you to Denny's for a dolla 99 slam..proceed to SLAM HIS ASS WIT GROTESKNESS! GROSS HIS ASS OUT BEYOND BOUNDARIES AND TIME BY chewin yo' food wit yo' mouf FULLY OPEN...chew da food up, spit it up on yo plate, and then start pickin at it with a fork if you gots to, belch, swish da food wit yo Dr. Pepper, do whatever you gots to do to make him lose his appetites--so you can eat HIS food dat he ain't hongry enough to eat no mo'--O-KAY? It'll teach him that EATIN should always be a privilege NOT a dolla 99.

• AIN'T IN THE MOOD FO' SEX??

Blame it on the clunks--now I already done told you what clunks is (refer back to 'who dat ho?' if you needs to. Back when I was wit my boyfriend, Darryl, he had vorasious sexshul appetizer. One night he was rubbin up on me from behind and I said "not in it tonight, Darryl." He said, "Ho! You betta gimme mine." I flipped back the covers and went downstairs to dey kitchen, I put some ketchup and lil peice of catfood on my finger, put it in my draws. I came back up stairs and got into bed. Darryl start rubbin on me 'gin. I said, "DARRYL! Let me show you somesin..." I pulled out dat ketchup-kitty and oh the horror that beseeched he face! "dis what I got comin out me right now...now shake it off, sucka!" He never bothered me again..we also broke up 2 days latra--but that's besides da point.

• NEED A NEW OUTFIT? (oldie but goodie)

go to tha sto' charge it, wear it, bring it back reakin of smoke and sweat..when the salesperson axes you if you wores it alreadies--no need to get offended--just smile sympathetically and say "its okay, gurl, my mama couldn't read goods neithra...see dese lettras right here? they spell out--all goods returnable within 30 days of purchase."

Mo on priviledges latrahs....maybe.

dui

4:15am, 07/12/2001
brrrrrrrrring, brrrrrrrrrrrring, brrrrrrrring
Hello?
Mom?
Wendy? What's wrong?
I'm in jail............
What?
I'm in jail I got a dui...
WENDY!
Mom, I KNOW...there's nothing to say...can you come get me?

Rollin down the highway doin 60
Lights start flashin comin from behind
I forgot to use my turnsignal
oh yeah and I was a little far gone at the time

Officer I ain't had that much to drink
I used mouthwash, that's the culprit why my breaf do stink
Mr. Policman please don't make me blow this horn
I'm on my knees, I'm beggin please, I'll even shuck yo' corn

I ain't drunk I'm just fucked up

I got picked up by the po-po
Frisked down like some dime store ho-ho
I like twinkees so much bettra
Yellow cake and creamy centra
My face is up against the glass
Handcuffs and a fist up my ass
I can't believe I'm getting fisted
That ain't a fist my underwear is twisted

s.o.

Dis be my flow. Dat's what flow be. You sits on a maxipad and lets it flow. You sit down by the river bank and watch it flow. Dat's right Toni (woo!) Braxton..."So let go, let it flow, let it flow, let it flow. Woo!" Toni gots a sister named Towanda--how you know dat, ho?
Well I know dat cuz Towanda was on my favorite tv show--Startins Ovra--you know the show where dey gots all dem womens livin in a house togethra, workin through they shit with the help of dey life coaches: Rhonda, Iyanla, Dr. Stanz--he gay I think. My favorite episodes are where Iyanla Vanzant (In The Meantime, Yesterday I Cried) pushes these womens to they breaking point and then says something really profound through her Miss Celie lookin mouf:
"because this is YOUR LIFE!!!!!---FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE!" or my personal favorite, (after giving someone who was a total FAKE (Tess) a big hug) "dat's right, baby, its all gon' be okay......now go find somebody and tell them the TRUTH!"
nothin like fightin the good fight on national TV.
Speakins of fightin the good fight, I'm bout to put my foot up somebody's ass over at Channel 4 tv. Startins Over be my favorite show, I know I already said that--but fo' real y'all dis be just about the only TV that I watch. BUT you know its GHETTO, and when its GHETTO, my people, its ALWAYS somesin.
About 3 weeks ago I came home after workins and turned on my tv/vcr combo. I had taped Startins Ovra ode school way--programmed it into my vcr...and who should be up in my mug, but Judgin MuthaFuckin Judy.
First of all--I hate court tv shows...unless its divorce court and the couple is toe up and ghetto:
"you know what he did to me?...he looked at me...he roll his eye..and SUCKED HIS TEEF, YO' HONOR!"
Second of all
JUDGE JUDY
JUDY
JUDY
She look like a brunette Joan Rivers, who look like a blonde chinese gargoyle
She ain't a real Judge, and she always be cuttin peoples off in the middle of dey sentences...rulin dat cote room with an iron fist, dat Judy is. Well bitch! I got an iron maiden cunt and I be damned if any Judgin, doilie wearin curmudgeon gonna suck up my air time.
So I wrote a real professional note to Channel 4--
Dear Channel FO-
give us back da Startins Ovra...nobody like Judge Judy..not even my Grandma who loves Court TV and QVC. Turn it off...please!!!
and dey cleared up da prahlem by puttin Startins Ovra back on my tv....2 weeks later.
Is that the end of dis story?
HELL NO...
CUZ like I said when it be GHETTO...dare's ALWAYS somesin...
so I'm clickin along catchin back up with my gurls in dey house...and 2 days later?
STARTINS OVRA RE-RUNS FROM THE COUPLE'S STARTINS OVRA DAT I ALREADY DUN SAWS.
what the fuck?
Me and Toni Braxton over here holdin hands now. She lookin in my eyes, I lookin at the duck tape dat's barely holdin up her left titty.
She point at the tv, startins over is on re-run
I point at her duck tape
We laugh and look into each othra's eyes..
We singin softly together and tears rollin down our faces.
"It's ghetto, let it go, let it flow, its ghet-to" (Toni: "woo!")

who dat ho?

u seent her at dey Roxy
and dey Ther-uh-pee
she da new hip hop qween
flowin gospel com-uh-dee

every freaque show every ghetto
muthhafuckas holla, mutahfuckas bellow
who dat ho? who dat ho? who dat muthafuckin ho?

frontin the blonde weave
them fly ass pumps
have you ever seen dat ho
when she workin her humps?

Amens, my brothas and sistas.
Happy Ass Wednesday. Let da lentil soup be eatins up.
1st Blog on the Blogspot...so welcome to my church.
Speakin of spots...woke up dis moanin to my special P.
She came on in right on a bran new pair of vitoria secretions undrawears...thanks, P.
P. is heavy too.
Not only do I got dey cramps...i also got dey clunks...for dose of you who don't know what clunks be..dey is clunky, chunky, red clots dat you gets in yo tampon, maxipad, and sometimes dey ruin yo' undrawears so bads that you can't even bring yoself to wear them again--unless you think you might have a clunk day. I got a lil pile in my undrawear draw fo' clunk days. The prahlem is you just don't ever really know when its gon be clunk and when its gon be free. Yes I said Free...cuz you know fo' show a woman is enslaved by da P once a month just so we'd be able to give birf to all y'all stoopit muthafuckas out dare.